6.01.2011

Who's Ready for a Beer?

Ok.
I am literally having the weirdest 24 hours ever.
It started last night when I was on a bike ride.
There I am, cruising along singing Sugarland at the top of my lungs 
(reoccurring theme in stories about my bike)
when all of a sudden some kind of freaking bug flies in my eye.
Well, that's normal, right? I mean, it happens...
NO
Not like this bug.
It literally felt like someone had just sprayed poisonous chemicals into my eye.
I lept off the bike and tried to get the bug out, but couldn't, all the while feeling like my eye is on fire.
So I ride back to my house with my hand over one eye like a pirate,
and race into the house crying.
I rinse my eye out forever and can't find the little devil bug anywhere, though my eye still kills.
But ice packs, eye drops and 30 minutes later, the bug finally appears on the front of my eye and I am able to get it out.
So I go to bed with a burning, red eye, hoping all will be well this morning.

Cut to 7 am when I wake up and open my eyes.
Scratch that.
when I wake up and open ONE eye, because the other one is swollen shut.
I mean really.
I go to the bathroom and low and behold it's actually not just my eye that's swollen, it's the entire right side of my face.
I literally look like I have 2 different faces!

It is now clear I will not be going to work.
So before conferencing into a meeting I was supposed to attend, I make an eye doctor appt. with a doctor I have never seen.

After one appt. falls through, I arrive for my new scheduled appt. @ 12 pm.
 I leave, scarred for life, @ 2 pm. 
I'm not kidding you, this appt. was straight out of an episode of Curb Your Enthusiasm.

At first, all appears to be normal. 
I do notice she's a big talker, but other than that she is very friendly.
In no time flat, however, the appointment goes south due to the following reasons:

1. I believe she is paid per 15 minutes by my insurance company, because rather than meet with me and then write herself all of her notes, she stops mid-appointment twice, for 10 minutes, to fill out her chart.
While I sit there, eye all goopy, staring into space.

2. She thought today would be a great time to teach me every living thing under the sun there is to know about eyes. We're talking models of eyes, pictures of eyes, pictures of eyes with diseases that I may one day have as an elderly person.
It was incredible. 
When she walked to her bookshelf and said she wanted to show me some pictures I thought
'you...have got... to be kidding me'.

3. Though my eye is red and swollen, she decides what I am actually there for is a full on routine eye exam and tries to con me into getting my eyes dilated,
and then seems a little miffed when I decline as politely as possible.
BECAUSE MY EYE IS GOING TO EXPLODE.
I mean it's like going to the doctors for strep throat and next thing you know you're getting a mammogram.
It's ridiculous!

4. After 17.45 hours of sitting in the chair, she diagnoses the issue with my eye and prescribes antibiotic eye drops.
Oh wait I take that back.
She LOOKS IT UP IN A BOOK.
She literally walks back over to the bookshelf
(as I'm thinking Dear God, not more glaucoma shots)
and gets a medical dictionary to look up what type of medicine she should give me.
Faith. That's what I have right about now.

5. Last but not least, she wants to call the pharmacy to make sure they have what she's prescribing for me.
So she goes to look up the number of my pharmacy (I'm thinking on the computer)
and comes back with the freaking Yellow Pages!
What is this, 1984?
And of course the number was wrong, and of course we had to talk about how the number was wrong, and also call 18 other pharmacies.
Annnd my eye is still burning this entire time.
For the love of God.

After picking up my prescription from the pharmacy, I decide to drive by the mall to boost my spirits,
and it seems to be working when I finally find a new pair of sunglasses I absolutely love.
See, I have had the same pair of Banana Republic Sunglasses for almost 3 years.
And while I still like them a lot, they are a bit scratched up.
So I thought 'well, Jessica, you've managed to hang onto these sunglasses no problem for 3 years, so you've earned yourself a new pair of shades'.
So I buy new ones.
Not as a replacement, but as an 'in addition to'.
I kid you not I get home and I've LOST MY OLD PAIR OF SUNGLASSES SOMEWHERE AT THE MALL.
ARE YOU KIDDING ME?!
I literally have had absolutely no problem whatsoever keeping track of these things for 3 freaking years, and then I go to buy new ones, and BAM the other ones vanish willy nilly.
I literally can't find them anywhere
I even called the store where I had worn them for a minute
(because I was a little self-conscious about my gooey eye for goodness sake)
and they haven't seen them.
Sounds like a case of Sticky Fingers to me!

Anyway, this has been the last 24 hours of my life.
Now who's ready for a beer?
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